Tagline Brainstorm

Twitter: Because everything you think is genius.

Twitter: Chat for the schizophrenic. RT @myself Chat for the schizophrenic!

Twitter: Impulse control? So 20th Century.

Twitter: Need more quilt inside your sexy warm typewriter?

Twitter: Sucking your life away one Tweet at a time.

Twitter: If the President does it, it isn’t a crime!

Twitter: Like a foreign language for parents.

Twitter: 140 characters never felt so good.

Twitter: Confusing you with odd typso!

Twitter: And then what happened? And then what happened?

Twitter: Keeping track of when you’re not home.

Twitter: Broadcasting your really annoying personality traits since 2008.

Twitter: Keeping Ashton Kutcher from making more films!

Twitter: Shortening your attention span for–OOH! SHINY!

Twitter: Talk is cheap. Twitter’s free!

Twitter: Not just for twits and nitwits! (But mostly.)

The Complete Tweets of William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare is trying to crank out a new playe. May 27, 1591

William Shakespeare RT @queenEbeth Huge fringe festival at Bkhm Place. Bring friends/grog! May 28, 1591

William Shakespeare is studying some Italian poems for inspiration. Maybe a tragedy? May 30, 1591

William Shakespeare @bootblackS-O-A I knowe, I coulde just transcribe my marriage! May 30, 1591

William Shakespeare wants the kids to STAYE IN BED so he can get some f$%*ing writing done todaye! June 3, 1591

William Shakespeare When did you get married? 14? 15? Is 13 too young? Screw it, she’s 13. June 5, 1591

William Shakespeare http://bit.ly/z8734s C Marlowe gets reamed in the London Presse! June 8, 1591

William Shakespeare always thought friars were a little skeevy. What’s under their robes??? June 13, 1591

William Shakespeare #followfriday @bootblackS-O-A, @peasant90210, @StratfordChandler2, @queenEbeth, @duke_norfolk June 19, 1591

William Shakespeare Act I is done! w00t. Now: beer and wife. June 25, 1591

William Shakespeare ROFL i mean wine. June 25, 1591

William Shakespeare will write your proclamations if you paye his mortgage. Backchannel me June 30, 1591

William Shakespeare is in debtors prisone. July 8, 1591

William Shakespeare @bootblackS-O-A JK! I wille be if my wife doesn’t stop shopping lolz July 8, 1951

William Shakespeare RT @johnsparrow crazy ball at my place tonite!!! bring wenches and ur dancing clogs. No joycrushers. July 15, 1591

William Shakespeare thinks Mercutio has the hots for Romeo deepe downe. July 31, 1591

William Shakespeare doesn’t knowe what happens next. August 3, 1591

William Shakespeare oops mercutio died. sucka! August 11, 1591

William Shakespeare #writersblock is lamerz!!!1! Maybe I should kill one of these kids in the playe too lolz August 15, 1591

William Shakespeare omg juliet is sooooooo gonna get it from Lady Capulet!!!!!! August 20, 1591

William Shakespeare is paying off his debts.August 21, 1591

William Shakespeare is taking the kids to the park. I need some freshe aire! August 30, 1591

William Shakespeare writing up a storme!!! Look out Marlowe I’m comin atcha! September 15, 1591

William Shakespeare #poison #murdermostfoul what’s a good cheap poison/how much do u need to kille a teenager? September 25, 1591

William Shakespeare @Stratfordchandler2 for my playe, dumbarse!!!!! no im not gonna kille some teenager in Stratford. Go dip a candle, u douche. September 25, 1591

William Shakespeare RT @LondonTimes Christopher Marlowe convicted of plagiarizing Dante, sentenced to death. October 1, 1591

William Shakespeare J/k lolz (wishfule thinking!!) October 1, 1591

William Shakespeare is getting all gangstae up in here, killin some rich biyotches and stuff October 5, 1591

William Shakespeare wishes his wife a happy birthday!!!!!1! October 15, 1591

William Shakespeare RT wishes his wife a happy birthday!!!!!1! OK SO I’M A LITTLE LATE, IM AN ARTISTE OKE??October 15, 1591

William Shakespeare is like WHEWE! Finally all done with that playe!! Yah its gonna kick ur arse and make u cry like a fat little babe October 30, 1591

William Shakespeare is dressed like Henry VIII with about 800 lbs of pillows up his shirt rofl gimme candye!! October 31, 1591

She’s the One

Let’s just say it: I’m obsessed with Martha Stewart’s tweets.

I’m getting the hang of Twitter. Slowly. Now that it updates my Facebook status, I like it a lot better because I’m not duplicating efforts–I hate duplicating efforts.

I love following (note: this is not the same as stalking) Martha. Today she’s traveled from Hollywood to the Texas panhandle where she’s touring some kind of factory:

“feedlots everywhere, 66 miles from new mexico, 100 miles from okla. beef, oil, tilt rotors, bomb disablement all here.”

I imagine Martha driving solitary down a two-lane stretch of dusty Texas highway (I mean, next to her driver), tweeting as the existential experience of America’s nothingness moves her.