The Complete Tweets of William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare is trying to crank out a new playe. May 27, 1591

William Shakespeare RT @queenEbeth Huge fringe festival at Bkhm Place. Bring friends/grog! May 28, 1591

William Shakespeare is studying some Italian poems for inspiration. Maybe a tragedy? May 30, 1591

William Shakespeare @bootblackS-O-A I knowe, I coulde just transcribe my marriage! May 30, 1591

William Shakespeare wants the kids to STAYE IN BED so he can get some f$%*ing writing done todaye! June 3, 1591

William Shakespeare When did you get married? 14? 15? Is 13 too young? Screw it, she’s 13. June 5, 1591

William Shakespeare C Marlowe gets reamed in the London Presse! June 8, 1591

William Shakespeare always thought friars were a little skeevy. What’s under their robes??? June 13, 1591

William Shakespeare #followfriday @bootblackS-O-A, @peasant90210, @StratfordChandler2, @queenEbeth, @duke_norfolk June 19, 1591

William Shakespeare Act I is done! w00t. Now: beer and wife. June 25, 1591

William Shakespeare ROFL i mean wine. June 25, 1591

William Shakespeare will write your proclamations if you paye his mortgage. Backchannel me June 30, 1591

William Shakespeare is in debtors prisone. July 8, 1591

William Shakespeare @bootblackS-O-A JK! I wille be if my wife doesn’t stop shopping lolz July 8, 1951

William Shakespeare RT @johnsparrow crazy ball at my place tonite!!! bring wenches and ur dancing clogs. No joycrushers. July 15, 1591

William Shakespeare thinks Mercutio has the hots for Romeo deepe downe. July 31, 1591

William Shakespeare doesn’t knowe what happens next. August 3, 1591

William Shakespeare oops mercutio died. sucka! August 11, 1591

William Shakespeare #writersblock is lamerz!!!1! Maybe I should kill one of these kids in the playe too lolz August 15, 1591

William Shakespeare omg juliet is sooooooo gonna get it from Lady Capulet!!!!!! August 20, 1591

William Shakespeare is paying off his debts.August 21, 1591

William Shakespeare is taking the kids to the park. I need some freshe aire! August 30, 1591

William Shakespeare writing up a storme!!! Look out Marlowe I’m comin atcha! September 15, 1591

William Shakespeare #poison #murdermostfoul what’s a good cheap poison/how much do u need to kille a teenager? September 25, 1591

William Shakespeare @Stratfordchandler2 for my playe, dumbarse!!!!! no im not gonna kille some teenager in Stratford. Go dip a candle, u douche. September 25, 1591

William Shakespeare RT @LondonTimes Christopher Marlowe convicted of plagiarizing Dante, sentenced to death. October 1, 1591

William Shakespeare J/k lolz (wishfule thinking!!) October 1, 1591

William Shakespeare is getting all gangstae up in here, killin some rich biyotches and stuff October 5, 1591

William Shakespeare wishes his wife a happy birthday!!!!!1! October 15, 1591

William Shakespeare RT wishes his wife a happy birthday!!!!!1! OK SO I’M A LITTLE LATE, IM AN ARTISTE OKE??October 15, 1591

William Shakespeare is like WHEWE! Finally all done with that playe!! Yah its gonna kick ur arse and make u cry like a fat little babe October 30, 1591

William Shakespeare is dressed like Henry VIII with about 800 lbs of pillows up his shirt rofl gimme candye!! October 31, 1591

Modern Life

Emily posted this a while back and I recently fell deep into like with it:

(Facebook News Feed Edition)
by Sarah Schmelling

– – – –

Horatio thinks he saw a ghost.

Hamlet thinks it’s annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.

The king thinks Hamlet’s annoying.

Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.

Hamlet’s father is now a zombie.

– – – –

The king poked the queen.

The queen poked the king back.

Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.

Marcellus is pretty sure something’s rotten around here.

Hamlet became a fan of daggers.

– – – –

Polonius says Hamlet’s crazy … crazy in love!

Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.

Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.

Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.

Ophelia removed “moody princes” from her interests.

Hamlet posted an event: A Play That’s Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family

The king commented on Hamlet’s play: “What is wrong with you?”

Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.

Polonius is no longer online.

– – – –

Hamlet added England to the Places I’ve Been application.

The queen is worried about Ophelia.

Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.

Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don’t Float.

Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.

– – – –

The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.

The queen likes wine!

The king likes … oh crap.

The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.

Horatio says well that was tragic.

Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We’ll take it from here.

Denmark is now Norwegian.