Arden’s career path

Last night, Beau and I decided Arden and Kitty needed to start contributing to our family on an economic level. Ultimately, we decided they might have a lively career in the entertainment industry. We’ve made a plan to pitch the following shows to all the major broadcast networks as well as Bravo:

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Milk-Bones
Arden plays a doggedly determined FBI special agent teamed with unlikely partner named Kitty, whose cerebral approach to the world and overly literal thinking often causes friction and comedy between the two. In the pilot episode, Arden takes Kitty out into the field to investigate the discovery of a cache of rawhide bones at a local kennel. Kitty hides under a chair and swipes at Arden as she attempts to question suspects, then seduces the kennel owner by rubbing up against his leg and meowing.

Keeping up with the Barkdashians
Arden and Kitty star in this reality series that follows their efforts to build and open a high-end boutique called Dish, which sells custom-made food and water bowls to celebrity pets. In the first episode, Arden and Kitty cannot agree which of them is prettier or smarter. In the second episode, their store opens and they continue to bicker about which of them is prettier or smarter. Paris Hilton’s chihuahua makes a cameo.

Flea
Arden and Kitty star in this musical take on shelter life. In the first episode, they find themselves taken in by a pet shelter where, after hours, the cast of ragtag, misfit dogs and cats sing and dance about their inner desires for love, acceptance, and flea and tick control. They are thwarted by Animal Services, who continually blocks their attempts to escape. Kitty will move you with her powerful rendition of Mariah Carey’s “Without You,” while Arden’s note-for-note remake of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” will make you sign up to adopt her.

Big Litter
Arden plays Barb, a sister wife living an interbreed polygamist lifestyle in suburban Salt Lake City with her husband, played by an unknown St Bernard. Arden struggles to balance the demands of her husband, sister wives, and children, all while trying to avoid the ire and wrath of a fundamentalist polygamist compound leader, played by Kitty. In the season finale, Kitty sends an army of calicos to poop, puke, and urinate all over Arden’s entry into the annual flowerbed competition.

Grey’s Veterinary
Kitty plays first-year intern Meowedith Grey, a whiny, sullen, and emotionally distant surgical student at Seattle Grace Hospital. She is joined by a litter of other newbies, including the beautiful “Sniffy” Stevens, played by Arden. Throughout the first season, they respond to medical emergencies ranging from the comical (one dog gets his nose stuck in another dog’s butt at a dog park) to the urgent (Kitty has a near-drowning experience after losing her balance on the rim of the bathtub). Benji, in a triumphant return to the screen, stars as the Chief of surgery.

You wanna be on top?

It seems just a few months ago that the lovely Saleisha took the crown as America’s ninth top Tyrabot, and yet, here we are again, with a whole new crop of young women stepping on each other’s faces to get to the top.

Except when they’re crying and hugging each other, yo.

Here’s my preliminary fafarazzi.com team. I’m a big fan of this season’s “big girl” Whitney, who, in my opinion, looks like a healthy, normal woman. And she’s adorable. And I’m rooting for her. I also like unpronounceable-name girl, and mostly I’m hoping that Tyra will actually get the pronunciation down before the finals. Finally, weirdo Claire is on my list because, well, I don’t know why. I think she’s going to do well, but she probably won’t cry much until she starts missing her kid.

I thought the stunt with bringing 14 girls into the house was a big set-up for the whole season. The “surprise elimination” from the first episode seemed totally staged to me. I think Tyra wanted to bust some chops off the bat to scare the other women into submission. She needed to throw some weight around, now that she has some.

And cheers to Paulina Porizkova joining the judging panel and, on day one, taking both the models and Nigel Barker to task. I was only slightly shocked to discover the actual length of the stick up Nigel’s butt—the one Caridee so smartly identified in Cycle 7. She’s a little bit Twiggy, a little bit Janice Dickinson. It’s going to be hott, y’all.

Fantasy ANTM!

America’s Next Top Model started last night, and that means recaps at Four Four will appear on Mondays.

It also means….

…you can now play Fantasy America’s Next Top Model!

Each week, you choose three models to be on your “team.” They are scored per the following episode criteria:

Check below to see what things the girls will get scored for!

6 points
Winning the Challenge

-4 points
Elimination

-2 points
Bottom 2

4 points
Verbal Fight (both models get points)

3 points
Crying

2 points
Tripping/Falling while ‘modeling’

2 points
Saying modelling is their “dream”

1 point
Reading TyraMail (any part will count)

1 point
Being told they have ‘dead eyes’

1 point
Being told they have no neck / missing neck

1 point
Being called “fierce” / calling self “fierce”

Clearly, this is entirely overdue in my life.