Charles Jensen | Writer

Last night, Beau and I decided Arden and Kitty needed to start contributing to our family on an economic level. Ultimately, we decided they might have a lively career in the entertainment industry. We’ve made a plan to pitch the following shows to all the major broadcast networks as well as Bravo:

Milk-Bones
Arden plays a doggedly determined FBI special agent teamed with unlikely partner named Kitty, whose cerebral approach to the world and overly literal thinking often causes friction and comedy between the two. In the pilot episode, Arden takes Kitty out into the field to investigate the discovery of a cache of rawhide bones at a local kennel. Kitty hides under a chair and swipes at Arden as she attempts to question suspects, then seduces the kennel owner by rubbing up against his leg and meowing.

Keeping up with the Barkdashians
Arden and Kitty star in this reality series that follows their efforts to build and open a high-end boutique called Dish, which sells custom-made food and water bowls to celebrity pets. In the first episode, Arden and Kitty cannot agree which of them is prettier or smarter. In the second episode, their store opens and they continue to bicker about which of them is prettier or smarter. Paris Hilton’s chihuahua makes a cameo.

Flea
Arden and Kitty star in this musical take on shelter life. In the first episode, they find themselves taken in by a pet shelter where, after hours, the cast of ragtag, misfit dogs and cats sing and dance about their inner desires for love, acceptance, and flea and tick control. They are thwarted by Animal Services, who continually blocks their attempts to escape. Kitty will move you with her powerful rendition of Mariah Carey’s “Without You,” while Arden’s note-for-note remake of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” will make you sign up to adopt her.

Big Litter
Arden plays Barb, a sister wife living an interbreed polygamist lifestyle in suburban Salt Lake City with her husband, played by an unknown St Bernard. Arden struggles to balance the demands of her husband, sister wives, and children, all while trying to avoid the ire and wrath of a fundamentalist polygamist compound leader, played by Kitty. In the season finale, Kitty sends an army of calicos to poop, puke, and urinate all over Arden’s entry into the annual flowerbed competition.

Grey’s Veterinary
Kitty plays first-year intern Meowedith Grey, a whiny, sullen, and emotionally distant surgical student at Seattle Grace Hospital. She is joined by a litter of other newbies, including the beautiful “Sniffy” Stevens, played by Arden. Throughout the first season, they respond to medical emergencies ranging from the comical (one dog gets his nose stuck in another dog’s butt at a dog park) to the urgent (Kitty has a near-drowning experience after losing her balance on the rim of the bathtub). Benji, in a triumphant return to the screen, stars as the Chief of surgery.