They’re Heeeee-re

America’s Next Top Model is back and already an outrage! Tonight’s elimination was so WRONG and obviously motivated by keeping a bitchy, conflict-inspiring contestant in the house while sending home the sweet-natured, attractive, better performing model.

So, aside from that, who am I loving?

Allison, freaky-eyed alien girl, who is awkward and strange, but also totally herself, and essentially very sweet.

Aminat, who is taller than me in heels and, without being cruel, tells it how it is.

London: “She loves Jesus, and modeling too.” She’s like a Tom Petty song! But she is also just cool and confident and fun-loving and wild–you know, in a Christian way.

Fo, whose freckles and fresh personality give her inner and outer beauty.

Jessica, of the flawless skin and flawless features.

Kortnie, who dated Dale Earnhardt junior and lived to tell about it! And who is barely plus-sized and plus-fabulous.

Sad to see the first elimination. I hope the next time–SHE’S on the chopping block. I usually don’t root against my hometown girls. Unless they’re, you know, evil

You wanna be on top?

It seems just a few months ago that the lovely Saleisha took the crown as America’s ninth top Tyrabot, and yet, here we are again, with a whole new crop of young women stepping on each other’s faces to get to the top.

Except when they’re crying and hugging each other, yo.

Here’s my preliminary team. I’m a big fan of this season’s “big girl” Whitney, who, in my opinion, looks like a healthy, normal woman. And she’s adorable. And I’m rooting for her. I also like unpronounceable-name girl, and mostly I’m hoping that Tyra will actually get the pronunciation down before the finals. Finally, weirdo Claire is on my list because, well, I don’t know why. I think she’s going to do well, but she probably won’t cry much until she starts missing her kid.

I thought the stunt with bringing 14 girls into the house was a big set-up for the whole season. The “surprise elimination” from the first episode seemed totally staged to me. I think Tyra wanted to bust some chops off the bat to scare the other women into submission. She needed to throw some weight around, now that she has some.

And cheers to Paulina Porizkova joining the judging panel and, on day one, taking both the models and Nigel Barker to task. I was only slightly shocked to discover the actual length of the stick up Nigel’s butt—the one Caridee so smartly identified in Cycle 7. She’s a little bit Twiggy, a little bit Janice Dickinson. It’s going to be hott, y’all.

Fantasy ANTM!

America’s Next Top Model started last night, and that means recaps at Four Four will appear on Mondays.

It also means….

…you can now play Fantasy America’s Next Top Model!

Each week, you choose three models to be on your “team.” They are scored per the following episode criteria:

Check below to see what things the girls will get scored for!

6 points
Winning the Challenge

-4 points

-2 points
Bottom 2

4 points
Verbal Fight (both models get points)

3 points

2 points
Tripping/Falling while ‘modeling’

2 points
Saying modelling is their “dream”

1 point
Reading TyraMail (any part will count)

1 point
Being told they have ‘dead eyes’

1 point
Being told they have no neck / missing neck

1 point
Being called “fierce” / calling self “fierce”

Clearly, this is entirely overdue in my life.