The Pizza Tracker Tells Lies

Last night I ordered a pizza online from Domino’s (the California chicken one). I love ordering online because then you get this little status bar that tells you who has their grubby mitts all over your pizza and where it’s at in the process:

“David starting preparing your pizza at 6:48 p.m.”
“Your pizza is slowly baking in our oven.”


Well, up until last night I had a lot of faith in the Pizza Tracker status bar. My pizza, according to the status bar, left the store at 7:14 p.m. and was on its way to me.

By 7:40 p.m., it had still not arrived at my house. Let’s be frank: I was starving. I was about ready to pass out from low blood sugar. I couldn’t wait another minute. I went over and checked the tracker. It said:

“Your pizza was delivered and you are currently enjoying it!”

Except, I wasn’t. I was about to die.

I called the store. “Domino’s, how can I help you?”

I said, “Your pizza tracker tells lies. It says I’m enjoying my pizza but it hasn’t gotten here yet.” I’d never felt so misled, so duped!

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” he said. “Uhhhhhhhhh, well, sir, it’s raining.”

That was, in fact, true. Water was falling out of the sky just then. This often means people in Maryland slow to 5 mph and ride their brakes. “Yeah, but he left 30 minutes ago,” I countered. “My pizza has been sitting in a car for half an hour. I didn’t order a cold pizza, I ordered a regular hot one.”

He started to protest and then, defeated, asked, “Do you want to speak to a manager?”

I’m usually not a complainer, but I said, “Yeah.”

Then I sat on hold for five minutes. Right when the manager picked up the line–and I mean this happened 100% in synch–the buzzer rang on my apartment. My cold pizza arrived! And it was awful.

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