Charles Jensen | Writer

Good news in the inbox today, but I’m just teasing you with it right now. Details to follow. Until then, enjoy part two of my Vegas Index:

Number of times we went to the karaoke bar at Imperial Palace: 2
Estimated median age of the karaoke participants: 40
Estimated ratio of men to women: 1 to 3
Approximate age of the woman who sang “Fergalicious”: 45
Latest possible year her black lace dress-over-bike shorts and bleached overpermed hair were last considered “sexy”: 1986
Approximate angle (from center) at which she wore her matching black baseball hat: 80 degrees
Percentage of lyrics to “Fergalicious” she knew by heart: 100

Total number of times I sang: 3
Chance the karaoke dj told me they only had the Marilyn Manson version of the song I wanted to sing: 1 in 3
Number of times I sang the Marilyn Manson version instead: 0
Total number of times I sang the words “Gettin’ boys is how I live”: 1
Total number of times this was in reference to myself: 0
Total number of times I sang the words “[I wear] my birthday suit when I’m home alone talkin’ on the phone, got an interview with Rolling Stone“: 1
Chance that I am actually at home in my birthday suit at any given time: 1 in 19
Chance that I am talking on the phone in my birthday suit: 1 in 50
Chance that I am also being interviewed by Rolling Stone: 1 in 1×10(-23)
Chance that I am in my Vegas hotel room in my birthday suit: 1 in 3

Number of times Helena Handbasket sang: 4
Number of songs she sang originally performed by an actual or probable lesbian: 2
Minimum number of times Helena Handbasket was encouraged to “take her top off” by a member of the audience: 3
Number of times she took her top off: 0

Total number of consecutive power ballads performed in one night: 4
Chance it was originally performed by a tenor: 1 in 2
Chance it was originally performed by Nancy Wilson: 1 in 4
Chance that the power ballad’s lyrics concerned lost love or being ignored by a lover: 1 in 3
Chance that it was a declaration of eternal love that ultimately ended in divorce: 1 in 4

Chance that the karaoke dj said something flirty to me during our 3 seconds of conversation before my song: 1 in 2
Chance that this included punning the word “lei” for “lay” in reference to sex: 1 in 6
Actual number of times I got “leied” by the dj: 1

Minimum total number of gay men who went to Margaritaville on Saturday night: 3
Number of them who weren’t in my pants: 2
Number of them who wanted to be, other than me: 1
Maximum number of occupants of my pants at any given time: 1
Chance that a woman at Margaritaville was a drunk blond in a tube top: 1 in 3
Percentage of women at Margaritaville who were drunk and dancing in my “dance space”: 13%
Percentage of straight men at Margaritaville who elected to dance: 50%
Percentage of those straight men who could not find the beat: 89%
Number of straight men who instead stood on the dance floor watching the band: 7
Likelihood an audience member will sing the “Bum Bum Bum” part of “Sweet Caroline”: 1 in 1.5

Approximate lifespan of a Vegas cocktail: 7 minutes
Approximate lifespan of a Vegas vacation: 3 days
This number expressed as a series of cocktails: 617.14
Approximate length of Britney Spear’s Vegas marriage: 55 hours
This number expressed as a series of cocktails: 471.43