Good News | Vegas Index Part Deux

Good news in the inbox today, but I’m just teasing you with it right now. Details to follow. Until then, enjoy part two of my Vegas Index:

Number of times we went to the karaoke bar at Imperial Palace: 2
Estimated median age of the karaoke participants: 40
Estimated ratio of men to women: 1 to 3
Approximate age of the woman who sang “Fergalicious”: 45
Latest possible year her black lace dress-over-bike shorts and bleached overpermed hair were last considered “sexy”: 1986
Approximate angle (from center) at which she wore her matching black baseball hat: 80 degrees
Percentage of lyrics to “Fergalicious” she knew by heart: 100

Total number of times I sang: 3
Chance the karaoke dj told me they only had the Marilyn Manson version of the song I wanted to sing: 1 in 3
Number of times I sang the Marilyn Manson version instead: 0
Total number of times I sang the words “Gettin’ boys is how I live”: 1
Total number of times this was in reference to myself: 0
Total number of times I sang the words “[I wear] my birthday suit when I’m home alone talkin’ on the phone, got an interview with Rolling Stone“: 1
Chance that I am actually at home in my birthday suit at any given time: 1 in 19
Chance that I am talking on the phone in my birthday suit: 1 in 50
Chance that I am also being interviewed by Rolling Stone: 1 in 1×10(-23)
Chance that I am in my Vegas hotel room in my birthday suit: 1 in 3

Number of times Helena Handbasket sang: 4
Number of songs she sang originally performed by an actual or probable lesbian: 2
Minimum number of times Helena Handbasket was encouraged to “take her top off” by a member of the audience: 3
Number of times she took her top off: 0

Total number of consecutive power ballads performed in one night: 4
Chance it was originally performed by a tenor: 1 in 2
Chance it was originally performed by Nancy Wilson: 1 in 4
Chance that the power ballad’s lyrics concerned lost love or being ignored by a lover: 1 in 3
Chance that it was a declaration of eternal love that ultimately ended in divorce: 1 in 4

Chance that the karaoke dj said something flirty to me during our 3 seconds of conversation before my song: 1 in 2
Chance that this included punning the word “lei” for “lay” in reference to sex: 1 in 6
Actual number of times I got “leied” by the dj: 1

Minimum total number of gay men who went to Margaritaville on Saturday night: 3
Number of them who weren’t in my pants: 2
Number of them who wanted to be, other than me: 1
Maximum number of occupants of my pants at any given time: 1
Chance that a woman at Margaritaville was a drunk blond in a tube top: 1 in 3
Percentage of women at Margaritaville who were drunk and dancing in my “dance space”: 13%
Percentage of straight men at Margaritaville who elected to dance: 50%
Percentage of those straight men who could not find the beat: 89%
Number of straight men who instead stood on the dance floor watching the band: 7
Likelihood an audience member will sing the “Bum Bum Bum” part of “Sweet Caroline”: 1 in 1.5

Approximate lifespan of a Vegas cocktail: 7 minutes
Approximate lifespan of a Vegas vacation: 3 days
This number expressed as a series of cocktails: 617.14
Approximate length of Britney Spear’s Vegas marriage: 55 hours
This number expressed as a series of cocktails: 471.43

Vegas Index in the Style of Harper’s

Total money lost in slot machines: $80.00
Percentage of this lost in penny slot machines: 75%
Total money won in slot machines: $40.00

Chance that a meal was eaten at a fast-food establishment: 1 in 2
Chance that a meal was a buffet: 1 in 10
Chance that a meal was simply just overzealously enjoying a catered hors d’oeuvres reception: 1 in 3

Number of men who showed me their wang: 2
Minimum number of times this occurred in a steam room: 1
Minimum number of times this occurred in a men’s restroom: 1
Chance that the wang-shower was a conference attendee: 1 in 2
Number of wang-showings that were solicited: 0
Percentage change in the number of unsolicited wang-showings that have occurred in my life: +200%

Number of times the drunk woman next to me on the airplane bumped me: 7
Number of times she dropped the f-bomb: 12
Number of times the f-bomb was in reference to the airplane or the flight: 10
Minutes of constant complaining she engaged in as we taxied for take-off: 25
Number of anti-gay slurs she made before take-off: 1
Seconds it took her after the anti-gay statement to turn to me and say, “I don’t know if you’re gay or whatever, but no offense.”: 2
Number of times her significantly older husband encouraged her to “take a chill pill”: 2
Number of chill pills she actually took: 0