Charles Jensen | Writer

Total money lost in slot machines: $80.00
Percentage of this lost in penny slot machines: 75%
Total money won in slot machines: $40.00

Chance that a meal was eaten at a fast-food establishment: 1 in 2
Chance that a meal was a buffet: 1 in 10
Chance that a meal was simply just overzealously enjoying a catered hors d’oeuvres reception: 1 in 3

Number of men who showed me their wang: 2
Minimum number of times this occurred in a steam room: 1
Minimum number of times this occurred in a men’s restroom: 1
Chance that the wang-shower was a conference attendee: 1 in 2
Number of wang-showings that were solicited: 0
Percentage change in the number of unsolicited wang-showings that have occurred in my life: +200%

Number of times the drunk woman next to me on the airplane bumped me: 7
Number of times she dropped the f-bomb: 12
Number of times the f-bomb was in reference to the airplane or the flight: 10
Minutes of constant complaining she engaged in as we taxied for take-off: 25
Number of anti-gay slurs she made before take-off: 1
Seconds it took her after the anti-gay statement to turn to me and say, “I don’t know if you’re gay or whatever, but no offense.”: 2
Number of times her significantly older husband encouraged her to “take a chill pill”: 2
Number of chill pills she actually took: 0