How to Be Community

Been thinking about Steve Fellner’s post here about perspectives on gay male poetry community.

There are a few things I personally think are important about being in a community, any community, and having good experiences there:

1. Be nice to other people.
2. Don’t say shitty things about other people in the community.
3. Help other people get to where they’re going.
4. Respect that people have different expectations of the community.

Not saying shitty things about other people doesn’t preclude the necessity of critical writing on others’ work–but such writing can be done respectfully.

I think about Tyra Banks, how she hates girlfights. A girl got kicked off Top Model a few cycles back for throwing beer in another girl’s weave. You know why? You don’t throw beer in another girl’s weave. This cycle, Tyra called out Celia for revealing to the judges that Tahlia didn’t want to be in the competition. She made coy allusions to her feud with Naomi Campbell.

“You don’t mess with another girl’s money,” she said. Or, for us (since there is no money in poetry): you don’t mess with another girl’s right to write what she (or he) writes.

I don’t love all gay poetry. Some of it I don’t even really like. But I make no claims of being the arbiter of good taste (in fact, I think we can all agree that I often confess to being the Arbiter of Questionable Taste, or at the very least, the Arbiter of Fourteen-Year-Old Girl Taste). And I wouldn’t want to do anything to someone in my community that would, in Tyra’s words, mess with another girl’s money.

It’s not true for everyone. And so what? Everyone has different expectations of the community. So I don’t get to say they’re doing it wrong if they spill beer on my weave or mess with my money.

I don’t go into the community expecting to get something. I try to go with something to give away. Maybe I sound very Buddhist right now, and I’m okay with that, but I always think about what my mom used to tell me when I’d complain about not getting any mail:

“You have to send a letter if you want to get a letter.”

Yeah. Community’s like that.

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