Gays Propose 3-Strike Marriage Amendment

LOS ANGELES—The passage of Prop 8 in California has given rise to an anti-marriage backlash among gays and lesbians in the state and across the country. On Saturday, prominent gay activist group ACTOUT! held a press conference outside that city’s courthouse to declare war on the institution of “traditional” marriage.

“If tradition is what they want,” spokesperson Marla Thomas said to the crowd of about 1500 protesters, “than tradition is what they’ll get.” Thomas said ACTOUT! had just filed a petition with the state to push a new constitutional amendment for California’s constitution in partnership with the recently passed Prop 8. “It’s time for us to stop letting heterosexuals besmirch the instituion of marriage,” Thomas explained. “It’s time we took decisive action to preserve the institution before it devolves to the point that heterosexuals will marry their sheep, underage children—wait, haven’t they been doing that in Utah and Arizona?—inanimate objects, and jewelry.”

ACTOUT!’s amendment uses Prop 8’s own source of justification as support. Thomas cited several Biblical passages that instruct heterosexuals in the ways of traditional Judeo-Christian marriage:

Matthew 5:31, “You have heard that the law of Moses says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a letter of divorce.’ 32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Matthew 19:4 No human being must separate, then, what God has joined together.

“These are just a few of God’s perspectives on traditional marriage,” Thomas told the reporters. In fact, the Old Testament clearly states God’s position on divorce:

Malachi 2:16 “I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “It is as cruel as putting on a victim’s bloodstained coat,” says the LORD Almighty. “So guard yourself; always remain loyal to your wife.”

It’s for that reason we’ve proposed limiting the amount of anger heterosexuals can impose on God by imposing a 3-strike rule on marriage. We’ll allow that 50% of marriages end in divorce and that nearly 70% percent of second marriages end in divorce too. This proposes the most immediate threat to the American family. If a heterosexual engages in divorce a third time, their special rights to marriage will be eliminated by the state and, by extension, God.

Additionally, Thomas says her amendment includes compulsory marriages for all able-bodied, healthy, adult heterosexuals per this Biblical edict:

1 Corinthians 7:2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.

Thomas says the state will have to create a special agency that will assign each heterosexual man and woman an opposite sex parter upon their 18th birthday. And, per the earlier statement, each marriage really should last–or they’ve burned through their first of three marriages.

Thomas also pointed to a curious passage that might imply the importance of gay marriage in 1 Corinthians:

7:8 Now I say to those who aren’t married and to widows – it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.
7:9 But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.

Thomas plans to file a second amendment proposition based on this teaching from 1 Corinthians in support of gay marriage after she can ensure passage of the first proposition.

“It’s important that we, as a culture and community, act now to preserve traditional marriage. Heterosexuals have made a mockery of God’s teachings, have demonstrated again and again they are unable to commit to each other under God’s law, and frequently put America in danger of incurring God’s wrath. It’s everyone’s responsibility to ensure our national security from God’s wrath, since we probably can’t fire missiles at him. At least, not yet.”

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