Excerpt from Musical Theater In Hell!

Everyone at our school knows that the girls in drama are real easy because they’re mostly fat and they don’t have good self-esteem. Actually, they’re not really that fat, but they all complain about it all the time. Once I heard Lily Owens talking to one of her skank friends after school and she was all like, “I totally saw Nellie Jacobs puking in the bathroom after lunch, and she was totally gagging herself. Fucking bulimic bitch.” Nellie is pretty nutso, but she’s probably the least bitchy out of all those fat girls. So, maybe I’ll get laid.

The audition sign-up sheet says I need to have a song ready for the audition time I picked (tomorrow at 3:45), so I start thinking about a song to sing. I don’t know any of the songs from Camelot, but one time we had karaoke at my sister’s birthday party and I sang “Love Bites” pretty good, even though I couldn’t get the falsetto to work right, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to sing that. When I turn away from the door to start heading down to the Ms. Howard’s room for Physics, I run smack into that skinny bitch Lily Owens, who was like, standing right behind me or something.

She goes, “Ouch, you stupid fuck! You totally just smooshed my boob!” A coupla heads turn in the hallways because Lily only has one volume and it’s really fucking loud. Plus, she says the word “boob” all the time and that gets people’s attention, especially her boobs, which are big and probably fake. Except they are really smooshy, and I’ve heard only real boobs do that. It might be Kleenex or something. I wouldn’t put it past her.

I go, “Suck it, bitch,” and brush past her in the hall. Her boob squishes against my arm and I can feel it stretching her t-shirt to the limit. She’s obviously there to sign up for the musical because then she goes, “Oh, what, you’re an actor now? That’s a laugh. You’d have better luck as a prop.”

So I just start walking away because I’m not gonna fight with some skinny bitch about this, and plus, we’re probably gonna be in the show together. She’s a real ho, though, and God I can’ t stand her. Maybe I can get her into bed, though. If only I can get her to shut up long enough.

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